Ok, here’s the experiment. We analyzed over 500,000 first contacts on our dating site, OkCupid. Our program looked at keywords and phrases, how they affected reply rates, and what trends were statistically significant. The result: a set of rules for what you should and shouldn’t say when introducing yourself. Online dating advice at its best. Let’s go:
Be literate
Netspeak, bad grammar, and bad spelling are huge turn-offs. Our negative correlation list is a fool’s lexicon: ur, u, wat, wont, and so on. These all make a terrible first impression. In fact, if you count hit (and we do!) the worst 6 words you can use in a first message are all stupid slang.
Language like this is such a strong deal-breaker that correctly written but otherwise workaday words like don’t and won’t have nicely above average response rates (36% and 37%, respectively).
Interesting exceptions to the “no netspeak” rule are expressions of amusement. haha (45% reply rate) and lol (41%) both turned out to be quite good for the sender. This makes a certain sense: people like a sense of humor, and you need to be casual to convey genuine laughter. hehe was also a successful word, but much less so (33%). Scientifically, this is because it’s a little evil sounding.
So, in short, it’s okay to laugh, but keep the rest of your message grammatical and punctuated.
Avoid physical compliments
Although the data shows this advice holds true for both sexes, it’s mostly directed at guys, because they are way more likely to talk about looks. You might think that words like gorgeous, beautiful, and sexy are nice things to say to someone, but no one wants to hear them. As we all know, people normally like compliments, but when they’re used as pick-up lines, before you’ve even met in person, they inevitably feel…ew. Besides, when you tell a woman she’s beautiful, chances are you’re not.
On the other hand, more general compliments seem to work well:
The word pretty is a perfect case study for our point. As an adjective, it’s a physical compliment, but as an adverb (as in, “I’m pretty good at sports.”) it’s is just another word.
When used as an adverb it actually does very well (a phenomenon we’ll examine in detail below), but as pretty‘s uses become more clearly about looks, reply rates decline sharply. You’re pretty and your pretty are phrases that could go either way (physical or non-). But very pretty is almost always used to describe the way something or someone looks, and you can see how that works out.
Use an unusual greeting
We took a close look at salutations. After all, the way you choose to start your initial message to someone is the “first impression of your first impression.” The results surprised us:
The top three most popular ways to say “hello” were all actually bad beginnings. Even the slangy holla and yo perform better, bucking the general “be literate” rule. In fact, it’s smarter to use no traditional salutation at all (which earns you the reply rate of 27%) and just dive into whatever you have to say than to start with hi. I’m not sure why this is: maybe the ubiquity of the most popular openings means people are more likely to just stop reading when they see them.
The more informal standard greetings: how’s it going, what’s up, and howdy all did very well. Maybe they set a more casual tone that people prefer, though I have to say, You had me at ‘what’s up’ doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.
Bring up specific interests
There are many words on the effective end of our list like zombie, band, tattoo, literature, studying, vegetarian (yes!), and metal (double yes!) that are all clearly referencing something important to the sender, the recipient, or, ideally, both. Talking about specific things that interest you or that you might have in common with someone is a time-honored way to make a connection, and we have proof here that it works. We’re presenting just a smattering: in fact every “niche” word that we have significant data on has a positive effect on messaging.
Even more effective are phrases that engage the reader’s own interests, or show you’ve read their profile:
If you’re a guy, be self-effacing
Awkward, sorry, apologize, kinda, and probably all made male messages more successful, yet none of them except sorry affects female messages. As we mentioned before, pretty, no doubt because of its adverbial meaning of “to a fair degree; moderately” also helps male messages. A lot of real-world dating advice tells men to be more confident, but apparently hemming and hawing a little works well online.
It could be that appearing unsure makes the writer seem more vulnerable and less threatening. It could be that women like guys who write mumbly. But either way: men should be careful not to let the appearance of vulnerability become the appearance of sweaty desperation: please is on the negative list (22% reply rate), and in fact it is the only word that is actually worse for you than its netspeak equivalent (pls, 23%)!
Consider becoming an atheist
Mentioning your religion helps you, but, paradoxically, it helps you most if you have no religion. We know that’s going to piss a lot of people off, and we’re more or less tongue-in-cheek with this advice, but it’s what the numbers say.
These are the religious terms that appeared a statistically significant number of times. Atheist actually showed up surprisingly often (342 times per 10,000 messages, second only to 552 mentions of christian and ahead of 278 for jewish and 142 for muslim).
Though very few people actually do it, invoking the sky-breaking thunderbolts of zeus does help a person get noticed (reply rate 56%), but maybe that shouldn’t be a surprise on a site that is itself named for a member of the Classical pantheon. So if you can’t bring yourself to deny the deity, consider opening yourself up to a whole wacky bunch of them. But ideally you should just disbelieve the whole thing. It can help your love life, and, besides, if there really was a god, wouldn’t first messages always get a reply?
A word about user privacy on OkCupid
Though this post talks in detail about the content of people’s messages on OkCupid, all messages have been anonymized, with sender and recipient data and all IP and timestamp information stripped out. In addition, our analysis program looked at messages only two or three words at a time, to track the success of certain words or phrases (like “what’s up” vs. “wats up”). The program then aggregated results by phrase before presenting the data. No one at OkCupid read any actual user messages to compile this post.
Good. People need help in interpersonal relationships. I hope many read this. There is not enough help for people who struggle making conversation.
this is a free website right. people from every walk of life are on here. poor people who have lost their homes, rich people who seek a fling, genuine nice guys who have their shit together. you name it. i dont even have a pic posted, yet i have met very incredible people on this site. youre going to attract what you attract, based on how you present yourself, no matter what. you want to post a pic, go ahead, you want to tell your life’s story, go ahead, you want to be ready/willing/available, go ahead, you want to be woeful and sad, go ahead, you want to be gleeful and fun and flirty and cautious, go ahead. youll get what you give. guaranteed. i have had contact with dozens of people on this site, communicate with a half a dozen who are cool, met in person 2 who are really cool nice decent guys.
every walk of life is on this site, as is the case anywhere. dont blame the site if youre unhappy. blame yourself.
Seriously though, it seems like the sensible thing to do is to read a person’s profile and comment accordingly. Surprisingly, this doesn’t actually garner much of a reply (in my experience). Perhaps it’s just me, but when someone makes the effort to talk to you in person, we don’t just ignore them. Some people ignore phone calls, and even more people seem to just brush off an online message. I don’t think I’m wrong in believing that it’s just rude to not at least make an effort to respond, or to clarify in your profile that your inbox is swamped.
I think some of you are taking this article WAAYYYY too seriously. This is a somewhat humorous framing of their research results, presented for your interest and entertainment. It’s not exactly science or it would be published in a peer-reviewed journal.
For example I’m pretty sure the authors are not honestly suggesting one should change their religion, or even pretend they don’t have one, in order to catch a man/woman. What their results are really saying is that a much larger portion of people on OkCupid are atheist or not religious, than what one would expect in the rest of the population. However given that a certain level of education and computer literacy is required, and given that atheism/agnosticism/lack of religion are highly correlated with higher education, their findings should come as no surprise to anyone.
If you just want quantity and not “quality” – however it is qualitatively and subjectively defined by you – then by all means follow every tip they have proposed. Just don’t expect this to increase the compatibility of the people who reply.
PS: Dear Authors: I’m religious and I wasn’t offended, kthxbai
I for one, gave up starting conversations by sounding interested in what the girl wrote in her profile. Most peoples’ profiles are lame and not the most accurate representation of who they are anyways. Plus, no matter what they write in it, they always sound the same. Online, its all about observing how the other person reacts to you in conversation. And even better yet, online is all about numbers. Instead of winking at or stalking a cute girl several times hoping she notices me, I just send a message saying, “Hi, I’m (my name)”. Now, the response rate is probably under 50%, but the responses do add up and it gives me a window into the girl’s personality by seeing how she responds to a very cut and dry greeting. Its kind of like how men can “feel out” the character of other men through their hand shake. I think its a huge turn off when someone won’t even give you their name after a lengthy IM session, so I try to weed out that character trait by being bold enough to start the conversation with a simple name exchange. If she can’t bring herself to do that or if that sort of regular human interaction isn’t good enough for her than that’s ok, there’s probably a few messages in the inbox from some girls who have patience and understand the numbers game. I compare online dating to two people locking eyes with each several times at a bar and eventually, one motions to the other to come over and talk. Dating online is like an extended, simulated version of that moment in the bar before they began talking. Everything we do on here is just size each other up from a distance. The real conversation doesn’t start until we meet in person, but at least here we can lock eyes with more people in one day than we could in 4 weekends at a bar. The success rate doesn’t necessarily have to go up if your attempts skyrocket.
But who knows if any of this means anything. The “talent” level on this site isn’t exactly the big leagues. Maybe on another site my approach would be completely different.
Great advice!
Of course this assumes that you want people to reply to your messages.
Personally I prefer that they don’t as this avoids embarrassment and/or disappointment later.
Omg i am appalled about what i just read that how we should be athiests just to get noticed. That is f sad, literally sad. I think that to deny the LORD JESUS CHRIST to get noticed on a site is the saddiest thing i have ever read and i will no longer be a part of this website. Its not worth it. I can find a good Christian girl without some stupid site. Your site might be successful right now but when you deny CHRIST your so called success will soon end
Yay, crazy people.
Wow “unknown”. You sound like a Christian assault rifle. I would say read what the blog says again, but there’s no evidence you read it the first time. Numbers are numbers. This Cupid blog (written by Christian!) is coming at us with results from what they found in terms of response success. Start by taking the word “success” and strip it of what you’ve loaded it with. I love the way this blog was approached. They assume we’re adults that can handle interpreting data and are strong enough to make our own decisions on how to move forward in the dating world. Also if this is the saddest thing you’ve ever “read”, you need to read more. Start with some Virginia Wolf. She’s pretty great. Ha! I used pretty as an adverb!
I’ve spent a few days on this site now, and I just need to say that NO-ONE on here is going to be Mr./Ms. America anytime soon. I just wish people could get over themselves and use this site as it is intended, i.e. to meet new people and let things take their natural course, whatever that may be.
How’s it going?
I’m sorry, but you are awesome. You mention you like metal, that is fascinating. I’m in a band and I like zombies. It’s nice that you are an atheist and a vegetarian.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha “Christian assault rifle” brilliant.
I have to say: most of these rule would work for me
I’m a man, and using the above advice my reply rate went from 0% to a whopping FIVE PERCENT.
THANK YOU GUYS FOR THE WONDERFUL ADVICE!!!!!!!!
I have met men with various religious beliefs, christian, muslim, jewish to the anti-christ. I was raised lutheran, attend a parochoical through elementary. I do beleive in God or at least a higher power, but I feel that everyone has their own thoughts and feelings about this subject and who am I to question tobad mouth or try to bring them down. I am nobody as far as that is concerned. The information you have presented is interesting as I am a 49 yr. old Pscy. major. 10 years as a bartender taught me alot about human nature as well as my formal education. I am a people person who likes to observe others interactions, people will be people, what can you do?
I have been enjoying reading this blog tonight with it’s many posts.
Always wondered about what responses get answers etc.
Now if I could just figure out what question to ask I’ll move up to 100%.
Good advise, interesting play on words. Pretty as an adjective is excellent advise!
A word of caution, when communicating with someone in English where their first language is other than English, some of the above rules change. Example, Hello is good because they may have trouble with “How’s it going?” or “What’s up?”
Cultural differences as well, for example, most people in the Philippines are Catholic and their religion has become part of Philippines English. Where I would say, “Take care, David,” they may say, “God bless…” God is a good word with them.
I spent a great deal of time writing and editing my profile. I did that so that men would know exactly what kind of person I was before they got involved with me. The men who I have met through the site first wrote me and commented on things they liked about my profile or the way I thought and mentioned how they had compatible or complementary interests.
So, I guess whether addressing someone’s profile depends on who it is. That’s one of the great features of OKCUPID; you can make your profile whatever you want it to be.
The positions of atheist vs christian in god-chart.png are apparently reversed compared to the text description below it. Where you have atheist at the top of the chart, it is “second only to christian” in the text.
Which is correct?
Very interesting. I suspect that the results hold truer for Americans than for Europeans due to the predominantly American membership of this site. Certainly some of the questions, e.g. religious faith, appear to address predominantly American preoccupations – I would suggest that the question of religious faith or lack thereof is probably irrelevant to most Europeans these days whereas it seems to be a big deal in the US. It would be very interesting to see the study repeated but for users in individual European countries.
All the same, many of the results probably do hold true for all countries and I’ll certainly be trying to remember those things I didn’t already do whether consciously or otherwise.
Gwyddnogaranhir, I live in Europe and I think you might be wrong about that. I would say that religion is probably more unattractive to Europeans than Americans due to the fact that there are far more religious people in the US than the EU. To most non-religious people I’ve talked to religion equals ignorance despite their best efforts to hide this judgment, and ignorance is not attractive. I think that mentioning God would almost guarantee 0% response from non-religious people. Speaking for myself I would not risk the possibility of having a religious person help raising my future children.