Ok, here’s the experiment.
We analyzed over 500,000 first contacts on our dating site, OkCupid. Our program looked at keywords and phrases, how they affected reply rates, and what trends were statistically significant. The result: a set of rules for what you should and shouldn’t say when introducing yourself online. This is the second post of our statistical investigation into the optimal online dating message; a note about how we protected user privacy is here. Let’s go:
#1 – Be literate.
Netspeak, bad grammar, and bad spelling are huge turn-offs. Our negative correlation list is a fool’s lexicon: ur, u, wat, wont, and so on. These all make a terrible first impression. In fact, if you count hit (and we do!) the worst 6 words you can use in a first message are all stupid slang.
Language like this is such a strong deal-breaker that correctly written but otherwise workaday words like don’t and won’t have nicely above average response rates (36% and 37%, respectively).
Interesting exceptions to the “no netspeak” rule are expressions of amusement. haha (45% reply rate) and lol (41%) both turned out to be quite good for the sender. This makes a certain sense: people like a sense of humor, and you need to be casual to convey genuine laughter. hehe was also a successful word, but much less so (33%). Scientifically, this is because it’s a little evil sounding.
So, in short, it’s okay to laugh, but keep the rest of your message grammatical and punctuated.
#2 – Avoid physical compliments.
Although the data shows this advice holds true for both sexes, it’s mostly directed at guys, because they are way more likely to talk about looks. You might think that words like gorgeous, beautiful, and sexy are nice things to say to someone, but no one wants to hear them. As we all know, people normally like compliments, but when they’re used as pick-up lines, before you’ve even met in person, they inevitably feel…ew. Besides, when you tell a woman she’s beautiful, chances are you’re not.
On the other hand, more general compliments seem to work well:
The word pretty is a perfect case study for our point. As an adjective, it’s a physical compliment, but as an adverb (as in, “I’m pretty good at sports.”) it’s is just another word.
When used as an adverb it actually does very well (a phenomenon we’ll examine in detail below), but as pretty’s uses become more clearly about looks, reply rates decline sharply. You’re pretty and your pretty are phrases that could go either way (physical or non-). But very pretty is almost always used to describe the way something or someone looks, and you can see how that works out.
#3 – Use an unusual greeting.
We took a close look at salutations. After all, the way you choose to start your initial message to someone is the “first impression of your first impression.” The results surprised us:
The top three most popular ways to say “hello” were all actually bad beginnings. Even the slangy holla and yo perform better, bucking the general “be literate” rule. In fact, it’s smarter to use no traditional salutation at all (which earns you the reply rate of 27%) and just dive into whatever you have to say than to start with hi. I’m not sure why this is: maybe the ubiquity of the most popular openings means people are more likely to just stop reading when they see them.
The more informal standard greetings: how’s it going, what’s up, and howdy all did very well. Maybe they set a more casual tone that people prefer, though I have to say
You had me at ‘what’s up’
doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.
#4 – Don’t try to take it outside.
Obviously, all successful OkCupid relationships outgrow our in-site messaging feature. But an offer to chat or of an email address right off the bat is a sure turn off. One of the things online dating has going for it is its relative anonymity, and if you start chipping away at that too early, you’ll scare the other person off.
Also, don’t ask for or give away a cell number (10%). I thought that was a no-brainer. For the brainless among you who are doing this, my best advice is to paypal me 25 dollars and never use a computer again.
#5 – Bring up specific interests.
There are many words on the effective end of our list like zombie, band, tattoo, literature, studying, vegetarian (yes!), and metal (double yes!) that are all clearly referencing something important to the sender, the recipient, or, ideally, both. Talking about specific things that interest you or that you might have in common with someone is a time-honored way to make a connection, and we have proof here that it works. We’re presenting just a smattering: in fact every “niche” word that we have significant data on has a positive effect on messaging.
Even more effective are phrases that engage the reader’s own interests, or show you’ve read their profile:
#6 – If you’re a guy, be self-effacing.
Awkward, sorry, apologize, kinda, and probably all made male messages more successful, yet none of them except sorry affects female messages. As we mentioned before, pretty, no doubt because of its adverbial meaning of “to a fair degree; moderately” also helps male messages. A lot of real-world dating advice tells men to be more confident, but apparently hemming and hawing a little works well online.
It could be that appearing unsure makes the writer seem more vulnerable and less threatening. It could be that women like guys who write mumbly. But either way: men should be careful not to let the appearance of vulnerability become the appearance of sweaty desperation: please is on the negative list (22% reply rate), and in fact it is the only word that is actually worse for you than its netspeak equivalent (pls, 23%)!
#7 – Consider becoming an atheist.
Mentioning your religion helps you, but, paradoxically, it helps you most if you have no religion. We know that’s going to piss a lot of people off, and we’re more or less tongue-in-cheek with this advice, but it’s what the numbers say.
These are the religious terms that appeared a statistically significant number of times. Atheist actually showed up surprisingly often (342 times per 10,000 messages, second only to 552 mentions of christian and ahead of 278 for jewish and 142 for muslim).
Though very few people actually do it, invoking the sky-breaking thunderbolts of zeus does help a person get noticed (reply rate 56%), but maybe that shouldn’t be a surprise on a site that is itself named for a member of the Classical pantheon. So if you can’t bring yourself to deny the deity, consider opening yourself up to a whole wacky bunch of them. But ideally you should just disbelieve the whole thing. It can help your love life, and, besides, if there really was a god, wouldn’t first messages always get a reply?
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@ Nishan
it’s creepy to give PHYSICAL compliments on an ONLINE dating site, since you’ve never seen me, and it’s most likely you complimenting as a means to an end.
Well, the other thing to keep in mind is that reply rate is not the single highest priority objective. In many cases you WANT to filter, meaning you want to be honest, or at least betray some of your personality, and in fact allow for the recipient to decide not to respond. I mean, you don’t have to make it super divisive, but a 10% respond rate with 1% leading to serious relationships is certainly more successful than 32% respond rate leading to .1% serious relationships (or even sex, for that matter). I guess this is obvious to anyone who’s thought about it.
Awesome! Pretty much how’s it going? My zombie vegetarian metal band you mention, atheist!
BooBoo has a great point. Maybe a better metric for success should be set up. A better way to measure conversion rate, so to speak.
…no, not THAT one.
For example… two or more reciprocal messages? I’ve never met a girl in person I didn’t message back and forth twice.
Then to compare the new, more stringent conversion rate against the data for this first impression conversion rate would really tell us something.
Does having good vocabulary make you more likely to get a response or is it that people who use these words are the type of people that write good profiles, create interesting converations and are in general, more likely to get a response due to their personality. Maybe it’s both but I think that it’s more about being the type of person who says things in this way naturally. You can’t really just become a different type of person by using diffent words.
Thanks to the most recent post, I now wonder how all this would change if split up by race.
Men like compliments too .
There are a lot of Players on all dating sites .
Be honest ,sincere and don`t try to con people .
You will be reported ,ignored and deleted from most sites .
Be casual but most important ,Be yourself .Don`t put on airs just to get a date .
That is Desparation personified …
Have a good conservation.Don’t feel shy anymore
About #4 – I haven’t tried giving out emails or chat addresses, so I don’t know, but there might be an inherent problem with the statistics. You only know that people who mentioned alternate ways of communication were less likely to get a reply on okcupid. But since they did give out another method of communication, the recipient of the message could have replied to them via this other method, and you wouldn’t know.
Personally, if someone were to contact me and say that they’d prefer a reply via email or chat, I wouldn’t think of it as a negative (unlike bad grammar, netspeak or “hi”).
I’m looking at the words and they seem to point to a specific age group. Younger seems the be the most popular language. Not many 40 year olds talk about their zombie metal bands.
Though, mentioning that you enjoyed Pride and Prejudice and Zombies may help.
I would rather continue to get a few responses per day and end up with someone who has not manufactured a highly misleading facade, than to short circuit the system and increase my hits. I can wait a year for the REAL payoff, someone who loves me. To me, the rest is a waste of time. Applying a similar discovery routine, I tuned my profile and thus was going out with someone new every three days for many months! It was exhausting, and BORING. No, I would rather turn off all the sanctimonious women who are robots with deeply embedded response profiles and wait for someone… authentic.
just be ur self dont frunt,be who you are not how someone whats you to be.Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.dont be a fack..
when you are talking about the word “HI” do you mean in the subject line? Or to start the message with? So what IS best to put in the subject line, anyway??
I can’t help but wonder if Y.’s point extends to the ‘net speak’ parameter of this study. People who use common internet slang may be more likely to use alternative communication methods such as AOL Instant Messenger, Yahoo Instant messenger, and others. One statistic that may support this hypothesis would be to correlate usage of internet slang and requesting the use of an outside communication method.
Also Edminister’s comment is hilarious.
.., about no.7.. i think considering your beliefs and the beliefs of your mate is really a big factor.. if your talking about serious relationship huh..
Guys…please, don’t tell me how attractive, good looking or sexy you are. Total turn off.
The thing is, unless a man I receive a message from sounds completely illiterate, is painfully ugly, or is vastly outside my age preferences – as a 28-year-old woman, I’m not interested in dating 19-year-olds or guys in their 50s – I always at least briefly look at his profile. It’s what’s in there that will ultimately determine if I reply or not, not necessarily what he says in his initial message. So, people might be better served by a study of what words are considered turn-offs and turn-ons. I know that when I see the following words, phrases, or attitudes in a profile, the likelihood of my replying drops dramatically:
- “Unemployed”/”between jobs” – note that this is not the same as “looking for work,” which at least can imply that not having a job is a temporary, soon-to-be-remedied situation and not a chronic, long-term issue. I know the economy is bad, but for some, this is a setback…for others, it’s a handy excuse.
- “Gaming”/”World of Warcraft” – not that there’s anything inherently wrong with these, but come on, you guys KNOW this is not appealing to most women. If you’re that into gaming, maybe approach other gamers?
- “My roommate” – I live in a town where there is no excuse for a person in their late 20s and older to not be able to afford their own place except laziness. Seriously, guys. Besides, how much fun can sex be if you constantly have to be quiet to keep from waking a roommate?
- “Polyamorous”
- “Looking for casual encounters (sex partners)”
- A strong self-deprecating attitude…I’m surprised that guys being self-effacing ranked so highly, because I personally can think of few bigger turn-offs than being with someone who constantly needs their ego stroked to feel good about themselves. I’ve been in that relationship before, and it sucks. I’m a potential girlfriend, guys, not your therapist. Not to mention that this can be used as a classically manipulative way to get compliments, and only foolish people fall for it.
- General negative attitude about women, i.e. complaining about women being “golddiggers,” only wanting guys who are tall and good-looking, being too judgmental about appearances, etc. Guess what?
a) If you’re a guy in his 40s and older who insists on only contacting women 20+ years younger than you, unless you are extraordinarily well-kept-up for your age, you have officially given up the right to complain about them only wanting you for your money. DUH.
b) Attractiveness is about an attitude as well as physical appearance. If you go into a situation assuming no one will be attracted to you because you’re short and below-average, then yes, you will appear less attractive.
c) I really wish there were a study examining the amount men complain about women judging them for their looks vs. the looks of the women they contact. Remember, pretty girls, if you expect a guy to make even the most basic effort to be attractive to you, you are a shallow bitch, but how many self-proclaimed short, below-average men ever contact, say, fat, below-average women? Guys, really – if you *know* that you’re a 3 or 4 on a scale of 10, is it really that shocking when the 8s and 9s you contact don’t write back?
Gasp! You mean, women are generally not into resentful slackers who are interested in women more for mindless sex and possible financial support than as equal partners and human beings? Who would have thought, right?
What is a turn-on? That’s harder to quantify, unfortunately… However, being confident, sounding like you know what you want, being well-spoken (or rather, well-written), being passionate about something, having interests that are not vague (”I like music”) and don’t sound tailored to make you sound more attractive to women (i.e., the responses to this post about sending e-mails mentioning zombie metal bands)…those all help.
Well now I know that telling someone they are attractive works against me. i’d love to see the data of telling someone they aren’t attractive or your type, and how it compares to telling someone they’re attractive. We could find out if they’d be more apt to reply if we treated them poorly. I mean after all nice guys like me have been pondering that for a while since we treat women so nice yet get treated so poorly.
Now here’s the clincher. Should we be apologizing that we don’t find them attractive? Even though we do?
Yes, MakaiOokami, women don’t like messages from guys that emphasize their looks, rather than their personalities, because they simply hate nice guys and want jerks who will insult them. *eyeroll* How about, the average woman is smarter than you think, can usually figure out when a guy is only interested in them for their looks – and comments like “great photos!” and “you’re hot!” are generally tip-offs – and will often make a point of steering clear? Also, if you’re so very, very nice, how come you apparently only contact women that you find attractive, anyway? After all, ugly women need love, too.
Because: first of all, you can only get so much information from a personality SUMMARY… secondly, I’m not interested in dating someone I’m not physically attracted to, I’m gonna eventually have to wake up every morning and that person will be the first thing I see… third, PEOPLE POST PICTURES OF THEMSELVES… why does it play so oddly that we’re going off minimal information about a person, and that pictures are just about ALWAYS the first thing you see on any dating site profile… so looks are a good way to start? People who say physical attraction shouldn’t play a part in choosing a mate make me laugh as they lie to themselves. If I’m wrong, show me pictures of your boyfriend who is ugly as sin but you love anyway.
Alright, here’s a question. Is mentioning that I am on the autistic spectrum going to scare 99.999% of potential respondees away?
And as I ask I have a feeling the response will be a stunned silence followed by something like “if you haven’t worked that one out, you shouldn’t be allowed on this site”. Anyway…
Eric: It’s the same for girls, too… Guys who complain that they’re just sooooo nice and girls don’t like them because they secretly love assholes should consider looking closely at themselves in the mirror and being candid with themselves about whether there might be another reason women don’t reply to their messages.
AWESOME
The article was good– so good I tried to paypal you the $25 you mentioned… it didn’t work. Hmmm, i guess love just doesn’t pay as well.
Hi Christian,
(I’ll assume that is your name, or at least your nome de plume, hope that’s ok! )
I couldn’t agree more. As a Dating Expert based out of Las Vegas and Orange County in The States, I really respect and appreciate how OKCupid has done studies and statistical analysis on the first message correspondence communication section for successful online dating.
Some of my recent posts have been about early communication so all of that attention singles are garnering from getting great photos and better written internet dating profiles can then be converted into actual (gasp!) F2F meeting first dates.
One of my little joke phrases is, “Hey” is not an email.
Do you find, or perhaps this will show up more in a future study, that the younger singles, the Millenials, aka GenY (college age, slightly older) who grew up texting since they were 2 years old and just out of nappies tend more towards the super brief first messages? I think some of that is that indeed they have not yet learned how to make small talk and be engaging and interesting.
Certainly, when a man is the one to make the first message approach (still quite high probability that he will be the first contact), when he admires the lady’s physical beauty that he CAN do that… and it’s effective…. when he admires her “beautiful eyes” or “beautiful smile.” He must also combine this physical attributes compliment with a statement admiring something else in her profile. Beautiful women hear it all the time that they are beautiful.
To stand out as a man, don’t just say, “beautiful smile,” when “you have a dazzling smile” is a more intriguing and captivating statement, wouldn’t you agree?
Beautiful women want to know you found THEM personally attractive, for WHO THEY are, not just only how they looked. Or they will, sadly, find your message tedious and you are highly likely not get a response whatsoever, don’t you find?
Meanwhile, keep at it! Keep dating and connecting to improve your relationship skills so your skill set for a relationship is ready when you do finally meet “The One” for you.
Happy Dating and Relationships,
April Braswell
doctorwho: mentioning being on the autistic spectrum is a fine thing to do in your profile, probably a less sensible thing to do in a first contact message. it’s overly personal for an initial contact, as are many other medical and psychiatric issues. on the other hand, if you are looking for another autistic spectrum person, mentioning the condition might not have as much of a negative effect as it would if sent to a neurotypical person.