Picture this online dating scenario:
- You see someone you like.
- You read their profile, and wow.
- You send them a long message.
- You hang tight and…
- …you never get a reply.
Sadly, this is a typical story. Even on a lively site like OkCupid, only about a third (32%) of first messages get any response.
Some people, however, get much better results.
In the next several posts here on OkTrends, we’ll be taking a closer look at messaging and finding some ways to improve your own message response rate. We will not be dispensing generic advice. No. We’ve done research, and we have actual numbers *.
As we began to dig into OkCupid’s messaging data, the first thing we noticed was that most people’s contact attempts are way too lonnnng. Almost 16% of first messages are over 2000 characters (roughly 400 words), and the average is 743! At least in terms of using your time efficiently, your messages should be much shorter. Let’s start with this chart *:
The y-axis is reply percentage; the x-axis is message length, in characters; and the two lines are as follows. Red is the ratio of messages that get any reply. Green is the ratio of messages that get a reply that in turn gets replied to by the original sender. The idea is that this is the ultimate goal of the first message: to start a conversation with someone.
Messages sent by guys are, overall, only about half as likely to get replies as similar messages from women. But when you consider we’re including dudes who send out messages such as:
Your hot
DAm I got inch for you
and
Your people need to get out of Israel
a baseline reply rate of 22% is looking pretty darn great. (All those were actual first messages, by the way.)
Now, our graph clearly shows that in raw terms, it helps guys to write longer messages. But when we factor in the actual time it takes to compose a given message, it becomes clear that in terms of time put in vs. likelihood of starting actually having a conversation, shorter is actually better. If we imagine that people type messages at about 200 characters per minute, we get the following table:
Of course, we shouldn’t forget that there’s a certain amount of overhead involved with contacting someone (scanning her profile for common interests, thinking of jokes to make, taking a deep breath, clicking around, and so on). If we include 5 minutes of forethought, we find that the actual ideal first message length is 200 characters, or 1 minute’s worth of typing for the average writer.
Yes, brevity is key. Something we learned building SparkNotes, in our pre-OkCupid days. If you’re the kind of person who spends a little more time reading a profile and thinking about your message, say, 10 minutes, then the optimal length goes up a few words (to 270 characters), but, still, short is better. Savor this advice, men, for there are not many things in your world that fit this paradigm.
For women, the most efficient message is even shorter.
The shortest messages get almost the best absolute response rate, and the reply rate actually goes down as messages approach extreme length. Apparently, after about 360 words (1800 characters), you start scaring people off. A message like that is the online equivalent of a face tattoo. Of your life story. Let’s generate our efficiency table for women:
Incredibly enough, the optimal first outreach from a woman to a man is just 50 characters long! I’m willing to speculate that this graph is telling us that a guy decides whether or not to reply to a woman’s message regardless of what the message actually says, and that the first message’s true function is simply to bring her profile to his attention.
My guess is that he looks at her picture and if she’s his type, he writes back. On the one hand, such a superficial reality is depressing. On the other, over 40% of female-to-male first messages do get replied to, so, as a woman, if you’re writing to a few people who fit your basic demographic the odds are very good you’ll get a response. Anyhow, all this implies that the average woman’s time is better spent looking for the right people to write to, rather than composing detailed messages.
To our bi and gay readers: we also ran the numbers on same-sex messaging, and though we don’t have nearly as much data for them, those charts are here, along with some discussion.
NEXT UP
We’ll look at how specific words and phrases affect reply rates. It’s a lot of data, and we’re just starting to sort through it. Here’s a peek:
Until then, ladies, I say to you: zombie!
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@ablondecouple
Games playing bs? Finding someone IS a game initially. Honesty up front? Ok, we’ll play by your rules…Say I saw a girl I liked and messaged her “I like your profile, you seem cool, and you’re making my dick hard just looking at this one picture of you…” How many responses do you think I’d get back, for being honest? Or for guys that are a little on the nerdy side, do you think they get very far for being honest about liking to play WoW for 18 hours a day, or their interest in watching Star Wars 4 times a day?…nope, they’d get trampled on and/or ignored. Because women want someone who is different, is fun, adventurous passionate, sexually attractive, witty and a wealth of other things; just having this or that in common with her is not enough to spark attraction with women. You have to be DYNAMIC.
You have to be able to play the game, because women do play HARD, especially nowadays..They wanna know their suitor is strong and can take a little challenge and there is nothing wrong with it, I say bring it on! And honestly, the best relationships/friendships with women I have EVER had have stemmed from a little game playing and fun, and trust me the sex is better because of that. Its a little thing called ‘TENSION’. Tension is one thing that creates a strong attraction. You’re talking to someone who reads A LOT on this subject and puts it to action. It works for me, but then again I have a decent job that I love(I’m a writer and reviewer for a magazine showcasing local bands), am creative (musician for 10 years), I am definitely not ugly looking, and in person people usually say I’m outspoken and passionate about my dreams and can be really charming and I dress really well. So its my duty, as someone who used to never have much luck with girls to give them some information that helped me have the relationships I wanted which not are not based off sex (but are enhanced by it, so I don’t let anyone tell me sex doesn’t matter in a relationship because if you and your partner are incompatible shit falls apart quick..Ive seen it happen), but are relationships with people that are very compatible towards each others’ passions, lifestyles, sense of humor, personality, etc.. regardless if we have several differences. Love itself definitely sees through many differences.
Its about the guy seeking a good initial impression on a girl because that’s hardest to do is setting yourself apart from her 50 emails per day of every dude saying “hi, yur cute”, “hi i wanna fuck you”, or some idiot rambling about some shit she doesn’t care about. There are so many good guys out there but have a shit time because he has no idea how to engage a girl first. That’s what I’m talking about.
@ryanmgl
Hilarious, but too much info my friend
HAHA! I knew it! So many guys spend waay too much time crafting a message (or, *entirely* too little). You have to keep it simple. Any data on whether the message contains a question or not? I think having a question to answer makes it easier to respond to a message, too.
@Mick’s reply to “ablondecouple” on the 15th:
Every guy should be listening to what your saying and thinking about it while they’re using this site and writing their messages. That is what will help them set themselves apart and find someone special for them. As a female, what you said and how you said it from a male perspective, totally made sense, and automatically you’ve set yourself apart from other guys who are writing the most pathetic messages ever and complaining about it later.
Don’t be a “game playing” asshole, but check out what he wrote and see the qualities he’s talking about, take the pointers. What have you got to lose?
I really wish that there was a “flag as jerk” button recipients could hit and we could just weed these morons out and get on with it.
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Mick is dead on. You need to be a challenge worth exploring, not just some random toadie. The thing is, people want to play the game, because it means making the other person work for it a little, and the other person wants to know you’re worth working for before they commit time into communicating with you.
girls SAY they want someone who will be honest and upfront with them, but the reality is that girls want to dig around a guy’s soul for their information. the data reflects this.